Joey Goggles Ruins it for Everyone
As the subway car doors opened at the 4th Avenue stop, a group of eight or so odiferous, middle-aged, tailgatin’ types got on the train. They were in the middle of a very loud conversation about the lack of cleanliness in the NYC mass transit system.
… dirty subway! They outta clean this thang!
Dirty as a motherfucker!
Although they brought with them the stench of pizza and dirty socks*, they loudly complained about how gross the subway car was. (The priorly unstinky subway car, I might add.)
Dirty as a fucken pig sty!
Judging by their saddle leather faces and the way their flannel shirts were struggling to contain their massive beer guts, these men knew pig sties. What they didn’t know was etiquette. By the third stop on the train, one of the smelly tourists spotted a homeless guy who was begging for money.
I’ll give you some money if you dance. Let’s see you dance. I’ll give you a DOLLAH!
For some reason, at this point, this particular member of the group put on goggles.
Dance man; I said I’d give you a dollah!
I couldn’t figure out where they were from. The use of “thang” indicated the South, like maybe Alabama, but the profanity indicated it was more likely South Jersey. Anyway, they were assholes and with a shrug and a sigh, the homeless guy pushed past them on his way to the next car.
Yo! Joey! It was probably duh glasses! Joey! Joey! You hearin’ me? I bet it was duh glasses!
This guy was obviously Joey Goggles’ biggest fan. Joey Goggles, giving up on the homeless guy, pulled off his hat and started singing and begging for money himself.
It’s all in the game of love … It’s all in this game of love … Yeah, in the game of love. Roll me. Control me. Please hold me.
He presented his hat to every person on the train and when we all ignored him, he announced:
Man! Ray motherfucken Charles couldn’t make any money on this fucken train.
The Joey Goggle’s Number 1 Fan, apparently believing he understood the intricacies of panhandling rules, advised:
Joey! Yo Joey! Take off the glasses! It’s cause of the glasses!
Urgh.
Wanna know why New Yorkers hate tourists despite the billions of dollars in revenue they generate? It’s because too many of them are like Joey Goggles. They come to our home with an arrogant sense of entitlement and treat it as if it’s one of the pavilions at Epcot’s World Showcase. They’re rude and they suck and they make me think we should implement some sort of screening process.
Of course, that may cause some issues for the folks from Staten Island.
* Pizza and dirty socks is a scent common to tourists (usually from Kentucky or Arkansas) who have been wandering around the city all day in search of a Bennigan’s or Applebee’s looking for food that isn’t “weird”. Almost without fail they end up eating in one of New York’s 67 billion “The Original Ray’s” pizza joints. “It ain’t the Hut y’all, but at least it’s food.”
