Stupid Things I’ve Done to Impress Boys
- 9 years old: I got this big poofy coat for Christmas and this guy said, “Hey! I bet nothing could get through that. Let me try shooting you with this pellet gun.” I said, “Okay,” and let him.
- 10 years old: The same guy and I were running around in the woods and he said, “Hey! You know, trees are protein. You should eat this stick.” I said, “Okay,” and ate it.
- 12 years old: This other kid said, “Hey, Susan. Go stand in front of that piece of plywood and let me throw darts at you.” He only hit me once.
- 15 years old: “Susan, people climb silos all the time. Stop being a chicken.” It took me over an hour to get up the nerve to climb back down.
- 17 years old: “Hey, Susan. We’re going to walk to the end of this 1/4 mile long road and by the time we get back, you have to drink this entire pint of Jack Daniels.” Done and done.
- 21 years old: “So, Susan. We’re going to surprise my sister with a trip to Palatka and then we’re going to jump out of an airplane. I’ll pick you up at 7 AM.” My reply? “I’ll be ready.”
Now, I’m not saying that I regret all of these things - in fact, that last one is one of my proudest moments - but I can tell you that none of them was my idea and every one of them terrified me in its own way. But what terrified me more was the thought that some boy might think I wasn’t cool. And it wasn’t about liking them “like that,” except the Jack Daniels guy; it was simply about getting male attention in any way I could in an attempt to work out my issues with my absentee daddy.
You see, my parents got divorced when I was six and my dad fell out of the picture pretty quickly. At first my sister A and I received cards for every occasion - and I mean everything. We even got cards for Columbus Day, which means he worked pretty damn hard to find cards. But pretty steadily those stopped. We didn’t have visits, we didn’t get phone calls, and eventually we didn’t even get Christmas presents. Every few years we’d receive a package from his parents with some Laura Ashley dress that was either two sizes too big or three sizes too little, or we’d get some crocheted concoction made by Mamaw that again, wouldn’t fit, or would be too hideous to even consider.
Sister A remembers that Daddy used to visit a lot when he and Mom first got divorced, but I don’t. She was only two when it happened and I think she created a fantasy in her head to remedy her own issues with him being gone. I’ll never forget the look she got on her face when we talked about it recently and I told her all those visits didn’t actually happen.
The good news is that I’ve grown up and now that I’ve gone all gay and stuff, I don’t do all of the painful, super damaging things I used to do to impress the boys whom I did like “like that.” Believe me, downing a pint of Jack Daniels in less than 15 minutes is just the tip of the iceberg in that category. What’s sad is that I still see it in my sister and, since she’s been staying with me these last couple of weeks, I’ve seen glimpses of it in my niece who also is growing up without a daddy.
The women in my family have always had daddy issues of one kind or another, but like I hinted at in M8RiArKin’ Ain’t Easy a few days ago, I’m doing everything I can to break the cycle. Keep your fingers crossed.
June 30th, 2011 at 5:44 pm
I actually went to a Wesley Snipes movie to “impress” a boy……or at least to make him think we had the same things in common. The movie was “Blade” and it is tied with “Johnny Mnemonic” as the worst movie I have ever seen.
June 30th, 2011 at 5:45 pm
As I recall, you LOVED that movie. You even had a poster on your bedroom door …
June 30th, 2011 at 8:58 pm
Liar!
July 1st, 2011 at 2:09 pm
don’t make me post photos, f’leigh.
July 1st, 2011 at 6:21 pm
Snarky magazine pages taped to my door do not count, otherwise I say post ‘em if you got ‘em.
July 1st, 2011 at 7:01 pm
Hopefully you are too sound asleep to reply!!!!!